The ability to share your life with someone else is one of the best aspects of a committed partnership. You share a home, a meal, and a lot of thoughts. Your lives are completely intertwined. However, these once-adorable things can make leaving a long-term toxic relationship seem insurmountable.
Long-term relationship termination is no laughing matter, toxic or not. Naturally, it’s difficult to free yourself from someone who has become so ingrained in your life. However, there is also the concomitant mixture of codependency, anxiety, fear, and low self-esteem in unhealthy (or even abusive) relationships. It’s a bad combination.
For those of you in such a circumstance, I bet you’ve tried to leave a hundred times but just can’t seem to figure out how (or when) to let go. You might feel sick at the thought and postpone the inevitable for a day (or year). Another possibility is that you’ve persuaded yourself that everything will be okay or that your partner isn’t all that bad. However, this way of thinking only serves to prolong toxic relationships, which is not a good thing.
So how do you know when you’re actually ready to end a relationship like this? “Someone might realize they are finally ready to leave a relationship like this, when they have done some work on themselves, and have a better sense of self-esteem. They are aware of their rights and obligations, and when they begin to think of things in these terms, they realize that it is probably time to start moving on, according to Nicole Martinez, a psychologist.
D.
, LCPC, wrote to Bustle via email.
Here are some things you can do if you’re thinking about finally leaving. I’m hoping you’ll be able to transition into a better, more fulfilling relationship soon.
Stop Offering Justifications.
First and foremost, you need to stop rationalizing your partner’s behavior, your own behavior, your decision to stay together, etc.
TheFrisky .
com advice columnist Wendy Atterberry claims that when you stop, you’ll be able to see the relationship more clearly. You’ll be able to see that you no longer want to be a part of it as soon as you do.
Don’t Resist Taking Charge.
When you can clearly see that this is completely over, you should start moving. Consider the consequences of your decision. Determine what you want in a partner and in life, advised Marcia Reynolds, Psy.
D.
as seen on Psychology Today. Set a date to leave your current relationship if you are certain that you can’t find it there. ”.
Remember who you once were.
The prospect of leaving is beginning to fill you with dread, so you might feel a little unsure (for the a hundredth time) at this point. When that occurs, daydream about your life before the relationship. It’s simple to forget that you once lived independently with a fulfilling life, as Atterberry put it. “Remember that life, with all the people, places, and things in it. And anticipate getting it all back soon.
Enhance Your Self-Esteem.
As you probably already know, toxic relationships are often the result of low self-esteem. And it might make you feel like you shouldn’t leave because you’re lucky to have anyone at all (even if they’re toxic), says Suzanna Lachmann, Psy.
D.
as seen on Psychology Today. Start putting yourself up because you know in your heart that’s not true. Realize that, in addition to being awesome on your own, you are also awesome enough to attract a relationship that is much better if you would just give it a chance.
5.
Inform Your Partner.
Okay, so you’ve been improving yourself and have made the decision to go. Inform your SO right away. Reynolds advised choosing a private location where you and your partner could discuss your choice. In case the response is hostile or manipulative, be ready to maintain your composure. Yes, it will be unpleasant, but it must be carried out.
Discuss Logistics.
Talking logistics is essential because unraveling your lives may be challenging. “If you’ve been sharing a home, decide who is moving out when. These are hard conversations to have, but the more clear you can be, the easier the breakup will be for both of you, according to columnist Sarah Abdell on The Telegraph. If you have any joint possessions, how will you split them? Will there be any contact?
Locate a destination.
It will be much more difficult to decide where to go if you guys live together. Decide early on whether you’ll move back in with your parents or rent an apartment alone because not knowing can make the process much scarier than it needs to be. Having a new place to go to will make leaving that much simpler.
Establish some boundaries.
You’ll need to establish some boundaries if you don’t want to reverse all of your previous progress. Reynolds remarked, “You don’t need to explain your justifications for leaving again. Decide that the discussions are over, just as the phone calls and any other contacts you’ve deemed unimportant are over. The only real way to move on is to turn it off.
9.
Prepare To Feel Sad.
There’s a good chance that you’ll get over it and feel better almost right away. There’s a good chance that you won’t experience any more drama, but there’s also a good chance that you’ll feel depressed for days, weeks, or even months. Be prepared for this and don’t let it hinder your advancement. Allow yourself to feel everything. You’ll be glad you persevered because they’ll pass quickly.
Preserve your health.
I bet you haven’t looked after yourself well in years if your relationship was truly toxic. If I’m correct, then it’s time to repair all of that harm. Atterberry advised, “Get yourself outside for a jog or brisk walk… Feed your body and nourish your soul with activities that make you feel good… And, as the saying goes, “fake it until you make it,”. You’ll feel great as rain very soon.
Keep quiet around them.
Let me gently remind you not to speak to your ex. Cool, if you can maintain a friendship with your ex. Nevertheless, it’s more likely than not that staying in touch will make the situation worse. Remove any evidence of them, including their phone number, photos, and old t-shirt, if that appears to be the case. Moving forward is made significantly simpler by doing this.
Keep in mind the lessons you learned.
Relationships with toxic people are unpleasant because they seem to be a waste of time. They are completely in most ways. Therefore, it can be beneficial to keep in mind the lessons you took away from everything as you’re accepting that and moving on. Asking yourself what you’ve learned from the experience is important, as Reynolds put it. If you want to frequently refer back to your answers as you go along, put them in writing. You had a good reason for leaving. Make sure it defines your next relationship rather than derailing it. ”.
13. Make a Clean Break From Abusive Relationships.
Let’s talk about the worst case scenario — abusive relationships — to wrap this up. Being in one is undoubtedly challenging in many ways, with leaving being the biggest challenge. But doing so is still a possibility and a necessity. If the relationship is abusive, leave, do so as soon as it is safe to do so, and don’t turn around, advises Martinez. As easy (and difficult) as that.
Consider using a close friend, a therapist, or a women’s organization as resources as you go through this process. No matter how severe, toxic relationships are not enjoyable or healthy. Moving on as soon as possible will help you feel better more quickly. And that is definitely worth it.
