Divorced couples often only realize their mistakes after they have already broken up with each other. There are so many things they wish they had done differently during their marriages. Identifying issues and coming up with solutions can be challenging when you’re in the middle of a failing relationship. But with time and distance, everything may start to make sense.
This is not to say that they would still be together if they had just done one thing differently or that the divorce was necessarily a mistake. While each circumstance is different, it can be beneficial for couples who have gone through a divorce to reflect on and learn from these problems. For instance, if communication was their downfall, they might decide to focus more on it in their subsequent relationships to avoid the same problems.
According to Dr. Gary Brown, a couples therapist in Los Angeles, “that would include learning fundamental communication skills such as active listening, validating what their new partner is saying (whether they agree with what is being said or not), being courageously vulnerable, identifying and expressing their core needs, and expressing gratitude for their new partner.”.
Despite the fact that they might not have acquired certain abilities in time to save their marriage, they can still make use of them in the future. Continue reading to learn more about what experts say many divorcing couples wish they had done differently and what they can take away from it.
Become Aware Of Their Impact.
Virginia Gilbert, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in divorce, tells Bustle that because people who are unhappy in their marriages frequently blame their partner for their unhappiness, they frequently don’t realize their own flaws and the effect of those flaws on their former spouse until after the divorce.
After some time has passed, they realize that their partner’s behavior may not have been entirely to blame and that taking responsibility for their part in the relationship may have helped.
Going to therapy and owning up to your mistakes “are all things that may have had the power to change the outcome of the relationship,” Gilbert says. But even if they failed, the person would know they made every effort to keep the marriage together. “.
Discuss issues sooner.
Talking about relationship issues can be challenging, especially if they have been going on for a while. According to Bonnie Duarte, RSSW, PCC, a divorce recovery coach and owner of Duarte Coaching, it’s much simpler to ignore them than it is to bring them up and possibly upset everyone.
However, many divorced couples come to regret this misstep as well. They wish they had spoken up instead of just hoping, says Duarte. It can be challenging to connect while a relationship is still in progress, but once a marriage has ended, it may seem like the most obvious solution in the world.
Recognize and consider one another’s needs.
Sonia Frontera, a divorce attorney, author, and empowerment trainer, tells Bustle that after a marriage ends, many couples wish they had paid more attention to each other’s needs and had not taken the union for granted. Once your relationship has hit a stalemate, both errors are incredibly simple to commit. However, they are preventable.
As Frontera puts it, “spouses need to be vigilant about each other’s needs, monitoring their interactions to make sure they are healthy and loving, and making changes as they go along (to prevent their marriage from ending in divorce).”.
Before getting married, take care of some issues.
According to Brown, “some couples regret that they were aware of potential issues before getting married but never really addressed them.”. Maybe they had trust issues that were never addressed, or maybe they weren’t very good at communicating.
It’s a common regret and a simple trap to fall into, according to Brown. “When we first fall in love, we have a tendency to over-idealize our new partner, and even when there is evidence to suggest that there may be conflicts in the future, we may choose to stay away from them out of fear of losing the wonderful feelings of being in love. “.
However, as you might imagine, resolving these problems before getting married as well as after, possibly by consulting a couples counselor, can be crucial to preventing divorce.
been more exposed.
Kristina Ferrari, M.S, said, “There are times when the things we didn’t say are what lead to separation or divorce. Bustle is told by Ed, a psychotherapist with a focus on marriage and couple’s therapy. Because it can be challenging to comprehend one another or resolve the issues that usually lead to the end of a relationship without communication.
“It’s challenging to be open and honest with your partner regarding your needs, wants, and desires, but doing so provides a real opportunity for authentic change,” says Ferrari. “When partners share their truths and make themselves vulnerable, relationships can recover from the brink. “.
