When faced with conflict, your mind repeats “cool” approximately 5,000 times in Jake Peralta’s voice, because the rest of your body is Amy Santiago-ing — must not offend your superior officer at any cost. It happens frequently: your boss has asked you to do something you really don’t have time for (and is definitely outside of your job description), but you figure you’ll update that spreadsheet anyway because, really, why argue? It doesn’t mean you never stand up for yourself if you shy away from conflict; it just means that doing so might not come naturally to you. Furthermore, the way you react in the face of a potential showdown can reveal a lot about who you are.
According to psychotherapist Lillyana Morales, L., “Your ability to cope, life experiences, what was modeled by those around you, the implicit and explicit messages you received while you were growing up related to gender, race, culture, society, socioeconomic status, familial expectation and so many more variables can play a role in how a person approaches (or doesn’t approach) conflict.
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Because of this, not all people who shy away from conflict share the same personality traits, but there are some similarities nonetheless. For instance, saying “Just walk away” on a regular basis. Continue reading for a list of 18 characteristics of conflict avoiders.
You are analytical.
Simply feeling that a fight isn’t worth the effort, someone who avoids conflict may decide to leave the situation or change the subject before it gets out of hand. You therefore choose your battles carefully, to put it another way. There is no harm or foul done when a situation is examined before it reaches a point of no return.
You like to appease others.
Conflict avoidance is frequently motivated by a desire to avoid upsetting others, according to Sherese Ezelle, L.
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, a behavioral therapist with One Medical who is certified. You may be aware that you need to let your best friend know that canceling your plans for the fourth time in a row without providing an explanation is not acceptable. However, you remind yourself that whatever they are dealing with is also significant. While that may be the case, it may come naturally to you to prioritize the needs of others over your own, and even to fail to mention your own.
You’re observant.
If you’ve ever been in an unstable relationship, you’ve seen what can happen when conflict arises. Knowing ahead of time that a confrontation might not be worth the outcome prompts avoidance. According to April Masini, a relationship and etiquette expert and author based in New York, “[someone who avoids confrontation] may feel that the relationship they have with the person provoking them is too valuable to damage with an argument.”.
You’re laid-back.
Because you’re a laid-back person, you might also avoid conflict. According to Morales, “we all have a window of tolerance, and the size of this window varies from person to person.”. You might have a high tolerance because you’re good at letting things roll off your back. Since they’ll figure it out on their own, it doesn’t really bother you when other people are obviously in the wrong. You should catch up on your video game playing in the interim. There’s no sense in worrying about things you can’t change, right?
You are Passive.
You might simply have a more passive personality, claims Tina B., if you would never, ever, ever write an entire album about your ex, Olivia Rodrigo-style. Tessin, Ph. D. author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction, a psychotherapist. “Volatile people are familiar (as in family), and they tend to gravitate toward them, but they are too avoidant to stand up for themselves, so they appease them. Passivity isn’t always a bad thing, but when you don’t speak up for yourself when you should, the bad feelings are bound to build up.
You might benefit from a confidence booster.
Before declaring that you really want to order pizza for your birthday despite the fact that it is not your girlfriend’s favorite food, you may need to give yourself a few extra pep talks. If you want to help conflict grow and change, you can learn how to do that, Morales tells Bustle. “Avoiding conflict can be well-intentioned,” she adds. Your fight, freeze, or Amy Santiago journey may include a lot of practice developing self-assurance and affirming that your needs matter.
You struggle under pressure.
The fastest way to learn to stay out of fights is to get burned before. Conflict-avoidant people, according to Masini, “learned the hard way that the stress of confrontation makes them uncomfortable, so they avoid it the way a child who touches a hot stove learns not to do so in the future.”.
