Mrs Wife,

I’m writing to inform you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a nice man to you for seven years with nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been misery on earth. Your manager called to inform me that you resigned today, which was the final straw.

You arrived home last week and didn’t even realise I had a fresh haircut, made your favourite meal, and was wearing a beautiful new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and promptly fell asleep after watching your soaps.

You no longer tell me you love me; you don’t desire sex or anything else that binds us as husband and wife. If you’re cheating on me or no longer love me, in either case, I’m out.


P.S. Don’t bother looking for me. Your SISTER and I are relocating to West Virginia together! Have a wonderful life!

Mr Ex-Husband,

Nothing has brightened my day like receiving your note. You and I have been married for seven years, but a good man is far from what you’ve been. I often watch soap operas because they block your continual grumbling and griping. Unfortunately, that does not work.

I DID notice, but the first thought that came to mind was, ‘You look exactly like a girl!’ I didn’t comment because my mother taught me not to say anything if I couldn’t say something good.


And you must have confused me with MY SISTER when you served my favourite meal because I quit eating pork seven years ago. I glanced away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I hoped it was just a coincidence. Despite everything, I still loved you and believed we could work things out.

So when I won the lottery for ten million dollars, I quit my job and booked two plane tickets to Jamaica. But when I returned home, you were gone… Everything happens for a purpose. I hope you have the life you’ve always desired. My lawyer told me that the letter you wrote guarantees you will not receive any money from me. So be cautious.

Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free!

P.S. I’m unsure whether I told you, but my sister Carla was named Carl. I hope this is okay.